The Most Ungraceful Entrance to Coding Bootcamp
Unnerved by the lack of sleep I had gotten from having no set schedule for the last few months during quarantine finally caught up with me. Here I was, set to start my first day of coding bootcamp at Flatiron School and I was riding on 4 hours of sleep to get me by. I must have messaged every friend I had in my phone — so three people — that I was starting school so I apologized in advance that I wasn’t going to be available much for the next 15 weeks. All three of them are single mothers like myself so they understood. I was coming into bootcamp with no knowledge of coding nor any background in anything tech-related minus being able to type and text abnormally fast. I signed up for in-person learning because I wasn’t prepared to interact with my laptop screen all day without being able to ask an unending list of questions to an actual instructor who would be able to see every sign of distress from my face. Classes went remote to virtual learning in 2020 and I’m quite relieved with the change of events. Turns out, I have debilitating anxiety anyway and I’m more of an introvert at heart.
The only thing saving my anxiety from hitting the roof was the constant support I found through my peers, technical coaches, and mentors from Flatiron School. Long before class even started, I was on a one-way ticket to Imposter Syndrome-ville and I was trying to jump off every chance I had because I simply did not want to let anyone down if I failed. I was too embarrassed at being judged by everyone else if I didn’t understand a pre-work lesson or if a concept simply didn’t “click.” I lost track of how many times I said those words out loud, “when is it going to click for me?!” In between battling my imposter syndrome moments, I reached out to Flatiron staff members and expressed my concerns of feeling like a failure, asking nonchalant questions about potentially quitting the course before it even began, and just breaking down in tears from sheer frustration. I wanted this opportunity to work but why wasn’t it working for me? Simply put, that was a side effect of the syndrome taking its toll. Those feelings of unworthiness and fear of failing at every step are very valid and I had to accept them in stages as they were coming.
Each time I found myself in the presence of a new technical coach during AAQ(Ask A Question) — a “lifeline” I was afraid of even using at first in fear of not knowing how to ask the right question — I would ask each of them if they had ever felt the way I was feeling and if it was normal. Not one person hesitated to tell me that they still, to this day, feel those very same emotions. I navigated through the Slack app and reached out to a few random students for advice to see if anyone was feeling the struggle with me and I received nothing but kind responses to boost my morale. I suddenly found myself in a community unlike any other, where feeling defeated was a norm and fear was accepted.
The first week of bootcamp went at such a fast pace that my head was literally spinning from the content and looking at the screen gave me migraines unlike anything else. I was nauseous, I was fatigued, and I was burying my face in my hands crying during lunch breaks. It does feel like bootcamp except you’re not in a muddy field doing pushups and running endless miles, but your brain is. My brain was hurting and every time I closed my eyes, I could still feel them fluttering in my head from the constant scanning I had to do looking at my laptop screen. I asked myself if this is what I wanted — feeling this exhausted on a regular and being able to sit in front of a computer for the rest of my life.
We did a virtual group lunch with instructors and students from other mods halfway through the first week and bouncing from room to room getting to know my peers proved vital in my journey of knowing who to reach out to for supportive words. I messaged an instructor when the luncheon was over and he reassured me that the community was there for each other and he would lend an ear anytime I needed to shake my Imposter Syndrome moments. By the next day during lunch, I was crying again because I didn’t know what was going on during class and the deployment of labs after labs in just the first week was bearing down on me. I wanted to get away. The instructor chimed in my message box asking if my day had gotten better and my honest reply was that it hadn’t. He asked me to jump on a zoom call during his lunch break as well where I was able to let out my crying frustrations in a judge-free zone and it was at that moment that I realized how valuable each person is at Flatiron and how passionate they are at making sure everyone, including me, stays afloat. (Thank you, Raul… You are such a valuable asset in anyone’s corner.)
A familiar face in my cohort reached out to me during day two of class with moral support and a suggestion that I try out blue light blocking glasses to help with eye strain and my headaches. I’ve never jumped on Amazon so fast but by Thursday evening, I had two new pairs rush-ordered and in my hands. The hype is real. They’re about $20 each, most of them less in cost. My headaches have gone away and my sleep has improved greatly. I didn’t say I got MORE sleep but the little sleep I do get has proved sufficient and the glasses never leave my laptop’s side.
A cohort classmate suggested we meet for a study session during the weekend to prepare for the code challenge the following week and if I hadn’t gone, I don’t think I would’ve been able to pass the test were it not for the two friends who showed up and patiently walked me through iterations and answered all of my rhetorical questions. “You got this! You know more than you think you do. You do understand it.” I’m forever grateful to the both of you. There is something precious in showing humility at your most fragile state and my peers were gentle in nature to let me know I was not alone.
I have three precious things which I hold fast and prize. The first is gentleness; the second is frugality; the third is humility, which keeps me from putting myself before others. Be gentle and you can be bold; be frugal and you can be liberal; avoid putting yourself before others and you can become a leader among men. — Lao-tzu
I rewatched pre-recorded hour long lectures from my instructor, paused every few minutes and took notes, like REALLY took notes. I asked my peers how to use pry because it intimidated me when in reality it, too, was my ally and wasn’t against me. My learning experience was teaching me a lot about myself and my confidence, which was quite non-existent. I passed my first Code Challenge the following week even after staying up for more than 48 hours straight trying to review the material. I went through every emotion possible in the course of one week and I’m here to say that’s normal.
To anyone considering coding bootcamp or has even considered leaving due to feeling inadequate, I hope you find solace in a stranger’s words when I say you can persevere in an industry that is for anyone and accepts everyone. Just don’t expect an easy road and know that sleep will be a thing of the past if you’re not the fastest learner but the rush of knowing what lies at the end of a hard day’s work is the thrill of the chase.
I am definitely at a disadvantage coming into Flatiron. Juggling a young toddler as a single mom, fighting for quiet time, or chasing him laughing and screaming out of the room so I can focus on a lecture are a part of my everyday routine. I’m still learning how to manage time and sleep but I’m on week four now and I haven’t cried since the first weekend of bootcamp. Reach out to others when you need help and when you’re able to inch forward a little, help others out too so no one gets left behind. I love my cohort for their unending support and I love this school for instilling in me that I still got it and I can make it through this journey, even if my entrance was a little messy.
